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i feel like a semester's worth of thoughts have been put on hold.. unprocessed and unresolved. i went out to get another moleskine the other day. i guess it's just another one of my attempts to start fresh, and unchain myself from my past failures, like my laundry list of new years resolutions. i honestly feel like i have a resolution for every person and their mother.

read more. be timely. be a good friend. learn about health policy. learn about the world. lose weight. learn to prioritize and not let opportunistic greed overwhelm my rationale. less hugging, more library. study at least 2 hours a day. do things that will advance me academically. get A's in my classes. shadow people with my career interests. believe in myself. because i know damn well that if i don't, no one else will either.

what do i think of this past semester? what did i like? what couldn't i stand?

haha.

i loved.. spending more time with jordan and chanel, having a brief moment to sit and play my guitar, playing sudoku, sleeping forever, getting the occasional chance to swing dance, filling my mind with music after finals ended

i liked.. pledging, AiR, bio 1A, my current housing situation

i disliked.. abnormal psych

i hated.. that i wasn't able to go to church more, my grades, my old roommate situation

what separated what i liked, and what i loved was definitely the fact that i had too many "good things".. so many that the scale was tipped so far in the "good direction" that all the good things rolled off of the scale, and showed how badly my semester was obviously going.

LEARN FROM YOUR FREAKING MISTAKES RACHEL.

i could listen to these all day.

dear god,

my mind seeps sins and sighs
lust and lies
the wreckage of a damaged heart.

but i know there is beauty in the breakdown
hope that flickers softly in the darkness

for in my desperation
i'll find something to cling to
grace in need, love in its absence.

and there is something in our hearts
stirring in our souls
stretching to the sky, hands lifted heavenward

and across the earth
we're all the same
speeding through life, trying to fly
but it never changes.

seemingly landlocked creatures
but still..

we are not failed, but fallen.
we are not failed, but fallen.

"we are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.."


god, can you hear me?

first attempt.

i'm a picture nut. i love scrapbooking, making collages, etc. i love looking back and taking a moment to remember who i once was and who the people dear to me once were. the ways people change are truly amazing.

i decided to make a new collage, and began sorting through the pictures that i had on my wall this past year. it's funny that the old me seems like such a baby, but only a year's time has passed since i took many of those pictures.

you know what else is funny? in high school, the problems in my life seemed to hold so much permanence.. back then, i thought that i would remember how i had been wronged by people forever.. that i would be able to hold on to the hurt i once felt, and would be able to retaliate in time. i say it's funny because i don't remember any of that now. looking back at high school, all i have are pictures. these memories tell me that i was blessed with great friends..a supportive and intellectually stimulating group of people who cared about me. looking back, i don't think high school was ever that bad..

i think the reason why pictures mean so much to me is that they remind me of the good times i've forgotten. i'm so quick to forget how my life has been blessed; so quick to forget the times when i was happy, just so i can hold onto the pain that often riddles my mind.

i don't understand myself. haha..

---

after sorting through my old pictures, i began looking through my facebook for new ones..
since the beginning of college, i've been tagged in 875 pictures, and i've taken 3032 pictures.

if "best" means many good friends, new experiences, fun times, memorable moments, heart-to-hearts, growth..i've had the best year i could possibly ask for. but i feel like i spent so much of it marking the hard times in my life.. making sure that the things i've struggled through were worth it in the end because at least i learned something..this feeling of compiling all the skills and experiences i've learned from to make myself more valuable..
something like trying to create an identity for myself that i wouldn't be ashamed of.. someone who would be worthy of time, care, and love. trying to give the emptiness meaning, regardless of how evanescent.
after putting all of those experiences together, i had this strange satisfaction.. this feeling that i had learned enough..

---

my dad often tells me that "even when its pouring rain outside, i never get wet".
i've always felt that the idea of a "problem" implied transience..
i had this notion that every problem could be fixed, moreover, that i could be the one to fix them.

but what about a broken heart? sickness? death? there is nothing that i can do but give it time.. trust that immaterial void i hope to be the ultimate healer of all problems.

what i've learned now is how ignorant and selfish my attempts to justify the "hard times" in my life have been.. how these attempts only show my dependence on my own strength.. how i have been so ungrateful all along.

i realize (again) that the concept of "learning enough" is nonexistent; i can and never will learn enough.



people fail and earthly pleasures are fleeting; i'm reminded time and time again.
still, i love people even more.

there must be more than this.




wherever my heart may run off to next, i hope it will be in good hands.

shelter from the storm?

for anyone who knows me, they know that my life is..

difficult..

..and recently, unmanageable. so yesterday, i decided that it was time to get some help. after making it up to the 9th floor of evans, i stood in front of three doors, two of which had post-its saying the adviser had left early, and one that said "in conference". i decided to wait and sat cross-legged on the floor, trying and get some of my hume reading done. i sat patiently for about 15 minutes, occasionally glancing up at the people rushing by me, apparently trying to fit too many things in too little time (a problem i'm definitely guilty of). once, i looked up as an older man was passing.. catching my eye, he gave me a slight smile/nod of greeting and made his way to the end of the hall. a couple of minutes later, i saw the same man come out of a room with a chair in his hands, making his way towards me. He stopped in front of me, set the chair down and said, " a lady should never sit on the cold floor", smiled again, and walked away.

For some reason, this random act of kindness struck me, pulling heartstrings that continue to resonate as I write this..

if there's one thing that i've learned since i've been here, it's that no one will take care of you but yourself. it's an understandable fact of life. you can't expect it even from your closest friends or the people that are with you most often..
when that kind of help comes from a source so random.. so blind.. it's hard not to stop and appreciate the unpredictability of life.. of individual people.

hume's idea (or lack) of necessary connection ..

mm..we are completely free, able to use our volition however we please because only experience can give us the slightest hint of what may happen next.. the possibilities are endless! even when it seems like people continue to fail you, someone can resist the tide and lend you a hand.. a few kind words.. a gesture of encouragement.

even when the rains continue to pour all around me, and my shelter, my selfish effort to resist drowning in all that engulfs my life, seems ready to fall.. someone can come and offer support you couldn't have imagined.

go figure.

can't stop this train.

sometimes i wonder why inspiration can't be kept to one person..
why does the need to share things that are beautiful, things that inspire, with other people drive people to write books, songs, films, and poems to describe them? to tell people about themselves?

maybe it's because beauty is defined by the connections that people make..
by the connections that we share..
maybe beauty lies in understanding one another.. in realizing that we're not alone.


"stop this train" by john mayer has always been my favorite song. beautiful melody and acoustic guitar aside, it's just something that touches my heart, and speaks to me in a way that every time i listen to it. i need to stop and focus all of my attention on it.. somehow, i never tire of it. every time i've listened to it, i'm left with the same refreshing experience. the same disheartened, yet hopeful, weary, yet bright-eyed feeling. this feeling that even though life slowly slips away from every face that surrounding me, at least we're all in this together. even though i know that time is always in short supply, i'm spending it doing what i love.. living. learning. understanding, and connecting with other people.

i'm sitting here, my back warmed by the sun, my hair moving with the wind. the leaves rustle on by, and i'm reminded that time never stops. every second blows away like a leaf, lost in the temperamental wind.

and all around me, the beauty of relationships, of people listening to one another, and laughing together, makes me realize how much the gift of life is worth.

the wind stops, and it seems like time is standing still. but the minutes, like leaves are still floating, softly falling, slowly dancing into the abyss of life.

i wish i had the time to do everything.. to sit on the grass with sunlight warming my fingers, playing guitar.. to have comforting talks with friends over coffee.. to teach others about what makes you happy.. to spend time in complete relaxation.

but also to learn, and grow. to take time to read the words of those who have experienced life uniquely, but hold a great message to share, to listen to professors lecture brilliantly, to take the time to study and understand everything..

our greatest understanding is the shared loss of time. the sorrow of knowing that every moment holds pure, unique value. true worth. every emotion, every feeling, doesn't come back. not exactly the way it once was. and in our sorrow, we understand. we know that no one has a hold on time...

and we are thankful. appreciative that without someone to replenish our supply of time, we spend it most wisely:



seeking love.