first attempt.

i'm a picture nut. i love scrapbooking, making collages, etc. i love looking back and taking a moment to remember who i once was and who the people dear to me once were. the ways people change are truly amazing.

i decided to make a new collage, and began sorting through the pictures that i had on my wall this past year. it's funny that the old me seems like such a baby, but only a year's time has passed since i took many of those pictures.

you know what else is funny? in high school, the problems in my life seemed to hold so much permanence.. back then, i thought that i would remember how i had been wronged by people forever.. that i would be able to hold on to the hurt i once felt, and would be able to retaliate in time. i say it's funny because i don't remember any of that now. looking back at high school, all i have are pictures. these memories tell me that i was blessed with great friends..a supportive and intellectually stimulating group of people who cared about me. looking back, i don't think high school was ever that bad..

i think the reason why pictures mean so much to me is that they remind me of the good times i've forgotten. i'm so quick to forget how my life has been blessed; so quick to forget the times when i was happy, just so i can hold onto the pain that often riddles my mind.

i don't understand myself. haha..

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after sorting through my old pictures, i began looking through my facebook for new ones..
since the beginning of college, i've been tagged in 875 pictures, and i've taken 3032 pictures.

if "best" means many good friends, new experiences, fun times, memorable moments, heart-to-hearts, growth..i've had the best year i could possibly ask for. but i feel like i spent so much of it marking the hard times in my life.. making sure that the things i've struggled through were worth it in the end because at least i learned something..this feeling of compiling all the skills and experiences i've learned from to make myself more valuable..
something like trying to create an identity for myself that i wouldn't be ashamed of.. someone who would be worthy of time, care, and love. trying to give the emptiness meaning, regardless of how evanescent.
after putting all of those experiences together, i had this strange satisfaction.. this feeling that i had learned enough..

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my dad often tells me that "even when its pouring rain outside, i never get wet".
i've always felt that the idea of a "problem" implied transience..
i had this notion that every problem could be fixed, moreover, that i could be the one to fix them.

but what about a broken heart? sickness? death? there is nothing that i can do but give it time.. trust that immaterial void i hope to be the ultimate healer of all problems.

what i've learned now is how ignorant and selfish my attempts to justify the "hard times" in my life have been.. how these attempts only show my dependence on my own strength.. how i have been so ungrateful all along.

i realize (again) that the concept of "learning enough" is nonexistent; i can and never will learn enough.



people fail and earthly pleasures are fleeting; i'm reminded time and time again.
still, i love people even more.

there must be more than this.




wherever my heart may run off to next, i hope it will be in good hands.